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A New Old Year

A new year begins in a blink where the last feels unfinished. This seems to be how time is travelling these days. One moment to the next is fleeting and yet, can be torturous when in a state of boredom. With the coming of this year, it seems there is unfinished business. An overflow that somehow could not be resolved in December.

When reflecting on the past year there are always highs and lows. The events we have all been subjected to and then those that we keep so close to our hearts, at times we pretend that they haven't even happened.


The full circle in repetition on the journey to self discovery and self alignment. The spewing of an awakening society and yet, the basic fundamental of kindness, integrity and respect still escape many. Worse than that, it seems it be in shortage more than previous years. Those that harm the most are not the strangers on the street outside, but those you may see every day in one form or another. It is this that is so very disappointing and sadly, unsurprising.


Pure Intention vs Ego?


Then there are those of us, that work hard, bring the pure intention and the scope of knowledge and wisdom gained through way too much adversity, tend to be the door mats targeted as weak and undermined, for what? Ego? Insecurities? Intimidation? Having an opinion? Being confident? Whatever the reason that we attempt to rationalise this poor and appalling behaviour, the fact is, bad behaviour is not okay and it is reminding ourselves to say no.


Unacceptable Gaslighting


Last year was a year of the ungrateful sabotaging and bullying using the people pleasers against those that do not deserve this, having brought success and motivation, accused unfairly, spoken to in yelling and humiliating in front of others. How is this acceptable? We speak about domestic violence and verbal abuse. Passive aggressive victimising, discriminating humiliation to the point of destroying the very goal to isolate and belittle in the workplace, in friendships and circles too common and too easily dressed up in jargon meant to confuse and misuse.


The realisation, the awareness that can no longer throw dead hope into the wind, and the need to stand up. Stand up for you even when all else is against you. That is what I did, what I do and will always do.


The cowardice, the ignorance and filth that no longer will be privy to something they didn't deserve to begin with. It is knowing this to be fact. It is believing in yourself, (in me), respecting all that has brought you to this point and never... never accepting the gaslighting and attempt of ganging up.


How many had to experience in some form? How many still do? Even worse than this - how many know this but continue to tolerate this year after year, losing a piece of themselves in each day, week and month?


Grief, Loss and Values


My world shut down when I lost my two girls. My heart broke into a million pieces and then a million more. This year I lost my partner's girl. All not surprising but nevertheless burying the hope and trust of love in the ashes of them all. The grief does not lessen. There is no denial or anger. Just grief that I will never smell their fur, feel their heart beat and their incredible beauty blessed in the same world as me. I cry in the dark when the world has gone to sleep and smile as the sun rises, but my heart remains broken. Even with a new love, a new boy, the void is undeniable. My heart knows it cannot take much more however, continues in the little bit of hope it has. I turn up, I bring my best, I always give the extra, even when it is not spare... I struggle with my own pains, of which I never speak or discuss.


Still...


I wrote a book, I learned to play a piece on the piano I have loved for years, I studied my Masters, I passed clinic accreditation months before it was due; with so much more squeezed into the crevices of the year, and the closet Goth in me finally had enough of the pathetic madness of those wishing me harm. Reaching for my books on Hoodoo and calling to my ancestors, I let that part of me which dances in the dark and chases the demons for others away, speak of what I have been feeling, embracing the change that will be but the beginning as this month moves into the next.


Never Fear


Never fear the darkness. Never fear those wishing you harm or trying dismally to do so. The pure heart, the strength of conviction will never be defeated. The practices of the past, of past lives and future versions answer my call. I stand in the blackness of the night. This year will hold the echoes of those I love, it will whisper the words to move forward and never apologise for wanting more, for loving deeply and for being me.

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